Article originally posted on March 2018.

Detroit: Become Human now has a release date, which David Cage and Quantic Dream announced recently. The question is whether they were any f***s given in the first place.

Update: we gave some f***s. Read our Detroit: Become Human review here.

In all seriousness, David Cage and Quantic Dream have entertained us to no end. Whether he’s the guy who tried to sell to us that polygons are emotions, or the guy who knew Ellen Page just because she starred in her game (and then got mad because there was a nude model of her in the game’s code), Cage is an international treasure.

Much like Peter Molyneux, Hideki Kamiya (who recently blocked me on his Twitter feed for praising his series), and Suda 51, Cage is a video game auteur we need in our gaming lives so that we can revel in his madness.

To celebrate Detroit: Become Human’s release date announcement, we look back at the best moments of David Cage and Quantic Dreams’ cinematic tour de forces – is that even a word? Keep in mind that “best” here doesn’t necessarily mean “Oscar-worthy performances”; it just means the ones we remember dear to our hearts whether they were intentionally comical or not.

Okay fine, they were all comical and did not age well, but it’s entertaining and makes for great YouTube timesinks if nothing else.

Omikron: The Nomad’s Soul’s Intro That Pretty Much Sums Up Every David Cage Game Ever

Softcore teasing, action scenes you can never fully control, some message about humanity and the future somewhere, and supernatural bulls***: sometimes these punchlines just write themselves. To be fair, this David Cage production is a lot more “video game”-like than the rest of the games on this list.

Mr. Anderson, We’ve Been Expecting You (Fahrenheit)

When you bill your game as a “paranormal thriller”, this is the last thing we expect.

Guitar Sexy Time (Fahrenheit)

Probably the only reason why Lucas learned how to play the guitar. Just like us back in high school. Keeping it honest, eh Cage?

Carrie On (Beyond: Two Souls)

(via IGN)

Context: Jodie was invited to a party; people were acting like jerks to her. She ends up locked in a closet. Her ghost buddy Aidan helps her out. She asks him to wreak havoc. Not sure how Brian de Palma feels about this though.

Character-Breaking Sexy Time (Heavy Rain)

Madison and Ethan would never hook up given their character traits, flaws, and even their current situation. But then Heavy Rain gives you an option to see them make out and get at it.

Well, if you wanted to see more Madison 3D polygonal boobage, I won’t judge. Those are some damn fine silicones, I must say…

Happy International Women’s Day, everyone!

Press X To Jason (Heavy Rain)

Who could forget this timeless David Cage classic? This is the infamous bit where Ethan goes looking for his son Jason in a mall that has a ton of red balloons randomly placed as red herrings -symbolism!

Normally in film, this would be a very tragic scene with a lot of gravitas and tension if you have the right actor to pull it off. But in a video game setting where the player can spam X to yell out their imaginary son’s name? And each yell sounds even more out-of-place and is obviously ADR filler? And with your main character’s face taking a downhill turn into the uncanny valley? It’s pure comedy gold.

Cheers, David Cage. We need more auteurs like you so that the video game world can be a lot more colourful and unique. Granted, this may not be the serious emotion-filled vision you wanted, but them’s the breaks, eh?

Bonus

If you want a list of David Cage tropes to quote at parties, scroll down below. This is all courtesy of Super Best Friends Play.

• If you are a female character you will be white, have dark and/or short to shoulder-length hair, and be pretty vapid and uninteresting.
• Weird camera zooms and pans will be used to try and emphasize some sort of tension or dramatic turn of events, but always wind up being unintentionally hilarious, awkward, and uncomfortable.
• If you own a giant, cavernous apartment with a confusing layout, there’s no better way to navigate it than with unintuitive and stiff controls.
• Your video game protagonist being able to do “realistic” things like pissing or showering. Now, this doesn’t make them more relatable or grounded, as it doesn’t actually expand upon their individual personality or characteristics. David Cage thinks it does though!
• There will be a character of Asian descent, and his accent will be racist.
• Make sure any illusions to a darker story are presented early on through very heavy-handed “vision” sequences. Instead of these scenes building dread or intrigue naturally, slap the players in the face with your “what a twist” moment.
• You have to have a minimum of at least one stripper scene in your games. Because if you don’t then no one will take you seriously as a film director. I mean game director.
• Instead of making interesting combat mechanics… don’t.
• Since it’s really hard to write compelling scenes that have a certain rhyme or reason, just have your main character equipped with a phone or some type of communication device. That way, story events can just happen out of nowhere with no real justification and build-up.
• Always makes sure to show mental health issues in one way and one way only! Anyone with a mental health issue, therefore, MUST be a stammering Frankenstein-like monster!