Disclaimer: this article may be considered non-kosher to some, so read with care and with an open mind.
Happy Chinese New Year, everybody! The Year of the Dog has come and gone; now it’s the Year of the Pig.
While many believe pigs to be nothing more than ever-hungry greedy and lazy mofos, nothing could be further from the truth. Some fun facts:
- They need to wallow in mud to keep cool; the fact that they do not have functional sweat glands doesn’t help their predicament.
- The wilder pig family like boars will kill and gore you if you so much look at them funny.
- Most importantly, they contribute to the best kind of export: bacon. Sweet glorious bacon. So good it’s worth breaking lots of kosher laws for.
But I’m getting ahead of myself: this Lunar New Year is meant for our brothers and sisters born on the year of the pig. Let’s pay tribute by talking about our favourite pigs in video game culture.
Hog Riders (from Clash Royale)
Arguably the best units one can use in Clash Royale competitive play before the usual patches and nerfs; pros built many decks around these pig-handlers. They cost 4 Elixir, they rush down fast, and they can jump over the river.
Bad Piggies (from Angry Birds)
Your antagonistic assholes who want to suck on eggs. At first, you had to launch a bunch of angry birds at them to take them down a peg or three. In later games, you help them build land/air contraptions to get map pieces that lead them to the promised land full of suckable eggs.
Pey’j (from Beyond Good & Evil)
Engineer, mechanic, surrogate father to Jade from Beyond Good & Evil. The all-around great paternal figure who shaped an awesome heroine. Seriously Ubisoft, can we get the f***ing sequel out now? It’s been too damn long.
Evil Pigs (from the Tomba! Series)
They’re pigs, and they’re evil. They make Tomba’s life a living hell in two platforming games. Not much need to be said except they make awesome noises when they bite the dust.
Emperor Devligus Devontindos & His Army (from Rocket Knight Adventures)
In the steampunk world of arguably the best Konami-made 2D action platformer game starring an opossum, you get to challenge the mighty pig army of Emperor Devligus. He basically chucks everything but the kitchen sink at you: giant caterpillar bots, a bunch of flying robots that emulate the core bosses from Gradius, even a muthaf***in’ train with a snout of a pig.
Be it flesh or machine, this kingdom spared no expense in killing the possum race, pork rinds or otherwise.
Midbus (from Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story)
A substitute for Bowser since he’s now a playable protagonist trying to wrest his castle back from Fawful and his forces. He appears a couple of times to challenge Bowser, but does a terrible job at beating the big bad dragon mano-a-mano. Or is it beasto-a-beasto? “A” for effort though.
Colin (From Wolf Among Us)
Constant roommate to Bigby Wolf and a seminal wisecracker in the Telltale Adventure game. Ah, remember that time TellTale could do no wrong?
Yan Yanyang’s Steed & Extra Attacks (from Twinkle Star Sprites)
Arguably the most annoying character to fight against on a high level in arguably one of the greatest versus shmups of all time; fight Mr Toffee on this, we dare you. This is due to her sine wave properties of her Extra Attacks. And they’re all pig-shaped bird hybrids too! But this beastmaster’s way too adorable to hate on.
Rosa (from Wolfenstein)
Among the eclectic cast from that awesome Wolfenstein reboot (the second time around), Rosa’s one of the more loveable ones. Not only is she a great companion for Max, but she also gives our hero B.J. a wild ride on his birthday.
Poogie (from Monster Hunter: World)
I’m not sure what purpose she serves to the hunters, but she’s so adorable so who cares, your heartless person you?
Stryker (from the Mortal Kombat series)
The biggest one there is. #popo
Top image credit: Straits Times